Saving Old Seagulls

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What did you sell him?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, "Well, since your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."

Lochearn 15/3/2017 all welcome

Brilliant Tam, i've stolen it

I wish I could get the time off work

A guy goes for an interview at a building site and is offered the job.

After the first day, the boss asks him how he's getting on.

"Fine" says the new recruit, "but there's something wrong with my wheel barrow."

"What's the problem?" queries the boss.

"Well, it keeps going squeeeeeeeeeek...............squeeeeeeeeeek...............squeeeeeeeeeek" says the workie.

"You're fired" says the irate boss.

"How come?" enquires the incredulous unemployed man.

"Well, it should be going squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek-squeek"

One or two more.

The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

A really old guy had serious hearing problems for years.
He went to the doctor who gave him hearing aids that restored his hearing completely.
A month later he was back at the docs for a checkup and the doc said, "Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The really old guy replies, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to them. I've changed my will three times!"